RESTAURANT REVIEW: THE ENCHILADAS WERE GREAT, BUT THERE WAS GUM IN THE VAGINA

     There's an ancient Chinese Proverb that say, "If you save a man's life, you are responsible for it for the rest of his life." WFT?!! Are they serious?!! Responsible for the rest of his life?!  That's a hell of an obligation.  I mean, wasn't the whole saving of a life thing the noble and wonderful thing in itself?  Hell, in this country they throw you a parade if you win a hot dog eating contest or acquire more that 300 "friends" on facebook.  And there's no guarantee that the guy who's life you saved, may even "like" it on your facebook page.

     I wonder how "ancient" this Chinese Proverb is anyway.  Somehow I think it came after  the invention of the opium pipe.  And just because the words "Ancient Chinese" are thrown in there, it doesn't make it wise.  And again, that's a hell of an obligation.  Before reading that proverb, my definition of obligation to my fellow man usually involved a courtesy flush when using a public restroom.  And I don't know why they call it a restroom anyway, because some of those people hardly sound like they're resting.

   So I had the concept of obligation fresh in my mind when I was invited by this woman to her place for Dinner.  We had met not long before, and had been engaging in phone conversation, emails, texts, and all with a heavy dose of flirting involved.  She offered to cook me a Homemade Mexican Enchilada Dinner.  So I arrived that evening at her Condo where she and her 5 year old son lived.  I had flowers in hand, a smile on my face, and a pint of brandy for her son's sippy cup in case the evening got really interesting between his Mom and I.  This woman had all 4 burners on the stove going, and the condo was filled with the wonderful aroma of good food, and she was looking pretty nice in her dress.

     While she was finishing the final preparations on our meal, I hung out with her son in his room, playing with his toy cars.  Being a big kid at heart, it wasn't a surprise that we had hit if off so well.  After a while, we were both called to the Dinner table, and I have to say, I was impressed by the spread.  It was an authentic, home cooked Mexican meal of Chicken Enchiladas, beans, and rice.  On the table was great food, sitting on my left was an energetic 5 year old  who I enjoyed spending time with, and on my right was sitting a blonde-haired, blue-eyed busty woman.  What was there not to like?

     The freakin' conversation, that's what.  There's no faster buzzkill for me than spending time with a woman who can't hold up her end of the conversation.  This may sound a little weird coming from a guy, but when it comes to my being attracted to a woman, it all starts with conversation.  Oh, don't get me wrong, it certainly doesn't hurt if the woman is easy on the eyes, and a woman who's confident and unique stands a great chance of getting my attention, but it's good conversation that makes or breaks the deal for me.  Usually that's a woman's complaint, that some men aren't into conversation enough, but believe me, that's not something that's a problem for me.  And oddly enough, the initial conversations between she and I were incredible.  They were engaging, intelligent, diverse, and filled with insight and laughter.  But lately, the last conversations that we had been having right up the the night of this dinner, weren't quite what they were in the beginning.  Sure, she laughed at my remarks, but then again, some people consider me to be quite witty, so that's not unusual.  But I was the one doing the vast majority of the talking.  Again, a bit of a buzzkill.

      Perhaps part of the problem was that much of our communication had become sexual in nature.  Oh, I know, you may be thinking, "How the hell is THAT a problem?!"  Well, often it isn't.  In fact, communication of a sexual nature is great, perfectly natural, and often adds an exciting, enticing, and wonderfully seductive element to the whole dance of interaction between a man and a woman.  For some, communication of a sexual nature is a milestone in a developing relationship, and can often help kickstart a waning one.  And I've had relationships, or probably it's more accurate to call them "arrangements" that were almost purely sexual in nature.  For the most part, it's "been there, done that" for me, so good conversation is more of a priority for me now than it once was, and I've had boring women literally kill my boner at times.

     After Dinner, we all sat on the couch, and this woman was hugging up on me as we watched tv.  It wasn't my idea to watch tv in the first place, as I would've preferred some stimulating conversation.  But it was her house, so I didn't object to the suggestion of watching tv, but it soon became apparent that the only voices I was going to hear other than my own were going to have to come from the tv.  That is, other than the voice of her 5 year old son, who spent about 90 minutes whining, "I want chocolate.  Chocolate makes me happy!"  Eventually the kid got his chocolate, but I didn't get any interesting conversation.  The woman continued to snuggle up to me, and then after a while, she put her son to bed.  The woman and I then began to make out on the couch.  Even though I wasn't totatally feeling her, we had been engaging in lots of sexual talk prior to this, and she went to the trouble of making me a nice dinner, so part of me felt almost like I owed it to her, plus I thought that maybe if I got a little physical with her,  I might start feeling her a little more.  The kissing and the groping were alright for me, but she was starting to get really hot and bothered, and soon said, "Let's go into the bedroom."  I wasn't exactly sure if that's what I wanted with her, but those really were some damn good enchiladas, so I agreed.  Before we did, I told her that I was going to make a quick stop at the bathroom.  She then asked me if I wanted her to prepare a plate of food to take home with me for the next day.  I said, "ok, thanks."  She responde, "Good!  Now you'll have to come back to return my Tupperware!"  Damn... that chic set me up.

     We ended up in the bedroom, where I found that it was filled with lit candles.  This chic was really prepared!  Having in mindd the fact that I wasn't really sure that I wanted sleep with her, plus the fact that she was already planning to have me return the way that she set me up with the Tupperware, I tried to bail myself out.  "Damn!  You know what?!  I left my condoms in the car!  Hold on, I'll go downstairs and get them."  "Oh, don't worry about it," she said.  "I have some right here."  Damn.  She then opened a drawer on her nightstand, where she not only had condoms, but an arsenal of vibrators and dildos of a wide variety.  Once, a female friend of mine offered to fly me into another state for a few days, where she would be engaged in specialized military training for a few months, in order for us to hang out and hook up.  In one of our phone conversations, she mentioned that she was horny and wished that she had a vibrator.  I told her that I thought that a vibrator should be standard military issue, at least for the women (and I suppose for whatever men who were so inclined.  Not my thing, but why discriminate?) I mean if you're going to isolate them during training, or if they're going to be deployed overseas for several months, wouldn't that be the only humane thing to do?  And I think that someone would make a fortune if they included a vibrator as part of a Special Edition Swiss Army knife.

     Well, this chic who presented me with the condom was well stocked on her toys, as if she was one of those "Prepper Chic" Survivalist extrememists, preparing her bunker for Doomsday.  Non--perishable food, water batteries, candles, flashlights, and of course, vibrating eggs.  All the essentials a Prepper chic needs for survival  So we engaged in more foreplay, and I was really conflicted as to whether I wanted to proceed further, when I reminded myself that I grew up in a Latino family, and I never felt an obligation to repay any of my female relatives this way whenever they cooked me one of their kick-ass meals!  So I started in with the fake yawns, prompting her to ask, "Do you have gum in your mouth?!"  To which I responded, "Uh, yeah, I do.  Why?"  She said,  "Because my pussy feels cool and minty!"

     I stifled the urge to bust out laughing, and I produced another fake yawn, along with an excuse that I hadn't been sleeping very well for the last several days, which was actually true, and that I should probably head home, since I had a long drive ahead of me.  She was trying to maintain her composure, but she obviously wasn't taking it too well  After picking pieces of gum off of her bare breasts, and muttering something about the "female equivalent of 'Blue Balls'", she walked me to her door.  I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, thinking of how lucky I was to have escaped this particular dilemma, grateful that in spite of some of the absurd situations I've sometimes found myself in, it also sometimes seemed as if somebody was really looking out for me.  I was feeling like the luckiest bastard in the world, with quite the charmed life, right up to the point where she said with a smile, "Here, don't forget your food, and don't forget to bring back my Tupperware!"

     Son of a...